IT'S A CONSPIRACY, I TELL YA!

Nobody loves a good conspiracy theory more than me, so here it goes.

THE FACTS:

March 8th: Rays' Elliot Johnson plows over Yank catcher Francisco Cervelli breaking his wrist. Girardi is angry, saying the collision could have been avoided. Gutless worm Ray's manager Maddon will not talk to NY press after the game.

March 9th: War of words in the media begins in the papers starting with Buddha Zimmer saying that Girardi shouldn't be angry, "he should know better." When asked if there would be retribution when the teams play on Wednesday, Shelley Duncan says "thats a decision I'll make between third and home."

March 11: Yanks announce that Andy Pettitte will not start Wednesday vs the Rays due to "tendinitis" in his elbow. Someone by the name of Heath Phillips will get the start.

March 12: Phillips starts the game and promptly goes "up-and-in" to Rays third baseman Evan Longoria, grazing him. Overreacting umpire Chad Fairchild gives Phillips the thumb. Later in the game Shelley Duncan, out by a mile, slides late into 2nd base, spikes high to Akinori Iwamura. Dunc is called out on the play then tossed from the game. Rays' wussy right fielder Jonny (thats not a typo) Gomes runs in from RF and gives Duncan a shove from behind, starting the festivities.

March 14: Boob (thats not a typo) Watson, vice president of on-field operations for MLB suspends Duncan and Melky Cabrera 3 games and Gomes for 2.

THE THEORY:

1. Girardi had planned all along to give a close shave to a Rays batter. Knowing that it might result in an ejection (or worse), Pettitte mysteriously develops "tendinitis" and Phillips is sent out there to take one for the team. Two days later, Pettitte throws 47 pitches in the grassy knoll of the bullpen and his ailment is miraculously cured and will start against the Red Sox Monday.

2. The idea that Duncan gets 3 games and Gomes only 2 is yet another assault by Boob on the Yankees with unfair fines and suspensions. The incident at 2b WAS OVER until Gomes came running in and shoved Duncan. If Gomes stays in RF where he belonged, the bench clearing would not have happened. So why does Gomes get less of a penalty? Because Boob is still mad at the elder Steinbrenner for exposing his incompetence as a GM (read Joel Sherman's "Birth of a Dynasty).